Different forms of the same idea...

Binci wrote:

Julm bhi ham par ho, aur ilzaam bhi
Dard bi hum sahe, aur inkaar bhi

Sofia wrote:

Julm bhi ham par ho, aur ilzaam bhi ham par lage
Dil bhi thode woh humara, aur bewafa bhi hamein kahe

Naaz didi wrote:

Julm bhi ham par ho, aur ilzaam bhi
Julm jab un par ho, hai ham par tab bhi

Meri Maa...

Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
(I do not say this very often)
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
(But I am scared of the darkness mother)
Yun Tho Main, Dikhlata Nahin
(Even though I do not show)
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
(I care for you, mother)
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
(You know it all, don’t you mother?)
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata.. Meri Maa
(You know it all, my mother?)



Bheed Mein Yun Na Chodo Mujhe
(Don’t leave me in the crowd in such away)
Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aa Naa Paoon Maa
(That I can’t find my way back home)
Bhej Na Itna Door Mujkko Tu
(Don’t send me so far away)
Yaad Bhi Tujhko Aa Naa Paoon Maa
(That I cant even get to remember you)
Kya Itna Bura Hoon Main Maa
(Am I that bad mother?)
Kya Itna Bura Meri Maa
(Am I that bad my mother?)



Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe
(Whenever papa takes me)
Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa
(To go swinging)
Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe
(My eyes try finding you out)
Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa
(Thinking you would come and hold me)
Unse Main Yeh Kehta Nahin
(I don’t tell that to him though)
Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa
(But I withdraw within myself mother)
Chehre Pe Aane Deta Nahin
(I don’t allow that feeling to come on to my face)
Dil Hi Dil Mein Ghabraata Hoon Maa
(I keep within myself, but I do get frightened)
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Naa Maa
(You know everything mother)
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Meri Maa
(You know everything my mother)



Main Kabhi Batlata Nahin
(I don’t tell it usually)
Par Andhere Se Darta Hoon Main Maa
(But I am scared of the darkness)
Yun To Main, Dikhlata Nahin
(Even though I do not show)
Teri Parwaah Karta Hoon Main Maa
(I care for you, mother)
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata, Hain Na Maa
(You know everything mother)
Tujhe Sab Hain Pata… Meri Ma
(You know everything my mother)

Love, that never was.

While the going was good, I was floating around. And as the going got tough she hurt me like no one ever did.

The last nail...

And with a careless mention that it was all a joke, she erased everything that was precious to me. Everything, including some of the happiest moments in my life.

Kattrin Mozhi - Language of breeze..

(Stephen Chettan did this one for me. Thanks a ton, chetta... This one's too good!)


Kattrin mozhi ……ozhiya yisaiya
Poovin mozhi …….niramma manamma

Kadalin mozhi……….alaiyaa nuraiyaa
Kadhal mozhi…..vizhiya yidhazha

The language of Breeze….. Is it sound or Music?
The language of flower……Is it colour or fragrance?

The language of the sea……Is it wave or froth?
The language of Love……. Is it eyes or lips?

Yiyarkain mozhigal purindhuvidu….. manidhanin mozhigal thevaiyillai
Yidhayathain mozhigal purindhuvidu …. Manidharkku mozhiye thevaiyillai

Kattrin mozhi ……ozhiya yisaiya
Poovin mozhi …….niramma manamma

Understand the languages of Nature, Mans languages becomes unnecessary
Understand the languages of Heart, Man requires no language.

The language of Breeze….. Is it sound or Music?
The language of flower……Is it colour or fragrance?

I

Kattru veesum bodhu dhisaigal kidaiyadhu
Kaadhal pesum bodhu mozhigal kidaiyaadhu
Pesum varthai pola mounam puriyaadhu
Kangal pesum vaarthai kadavul ariyaadhu

When the wind blows, there are no directions
When Love speaks, there are no languages
You cant understand silence like the words you speak
God doesn’t realize the words spoken by the eyes

Ulagai theriyum kaatrukku uruvam theetta mudiyaadhu
Kadhal pesum mozhiyellam sabdha kootil adangaadhu

Yiyarkain mozhigal purindhuvidu….. manidhanin mozhigal thevaiyillai
Yidhayathain mozhigal purindhuvidu …. Manidharkku mozhiye thevaiyillai

Kattrin mozhi …

You can’t carve an image for the breeze, which knows the world
The languages spoken by love cannot fit in the phonetic cage

Understand the languages of Nature, Mans languages becomes unnecessary
Understand the languages of Heart, Man requires no language.

The language of Breeze

II

Vaanam pesum peychhu thuliyaai veliyaagum
Vaanavilin peychhu niramai veliyaagum
Unmai oomaiyaanal kanneer mozhiyaagum
Penmai oomaiyaanal naanam mozhiyaagum

The language spoken by the sky will manifest as a drop
The language spoken by the rainbow will manifest as colours
When truth becomes dumb, tears become the language.
When womenhood becomes dumb, shyness becomes the language

Osai thoongum jaamathil uchchi meengal mozhiyagum
Aasai thoongum yidhaiyathil asaivvu kooda mozhiyaagum

Yiyarkain mozhigal purindhuvidu….. manidhanin mozhigal thevaiyillai
Yidhayathain mozhigal purindhuvidu …. Manidharkku mozhiye thevaiyillai

During the midnight hours, when sound sleeps, the stars on high become the language
For the heart in which desire sleeps, even a movement will become the language

Understand the languages of Nature, Mans languages becomes unnecessary
Understand the languages of Heart, Man requires no language.

Kattrin mozhi ……ozhiya yisaiya
Poovin mozhi …….niramma manamma

Kadalin mozhi……….alaiyaa nuraiyaa
Kadhal mozhi…..vizhiya yidhazha

The language of Breeze….. Is it sound or Music?
The language of flower……Is it colour or fragrance?

The language of the sea……Is it wave or froth?
The language of Love……. Is it eyes or lips?

Yiyarkain mozhigal purindhuvidu….. manidhanin mozhigal thevaiyillai
Yidhayathain mozhigal purindhuvidu …. Manidharkku mozhiye thevaiyillai

Understand the languages of Nature, Mans languages becomes unnecessary
Understand the languages of Heart, Man requires no language.

Kattrin mozhi …

The language of Breeze…

Last straw...

Let me have just one shot at life. I badly need my peace.

You made me hate you...

Nobody said, ‘its ok man, stand up for your love…’

To think … I had gone to them to seek their support to marry you…

They were all talking about the girl I love. They were not even listening to me. They were all advising me against it. As if marrying her, isn’t worth the effort. As if her character is a big question mark. As if I am falling into a deep shit hole… from which coming out was just of no use, once in ... They wanted to save me from all the trouble.

'Moreover, she isn't half as hurt as you are', they said, supporting their views. 'In fact, she has already moved on... to her it wasn't more than a joke... so why even bother?'.

And for the first time, I hated you.

"She isn't half as hurt as you are"
"She isn't half as hurt as you are"
"She isn't half as hurt as you are"!!!

Yes, the truth is, 'I hate you'.

Blessed ones...

Blessed are those of us whose lives are touched by people who care. Only by people who care.

What she says. What I say.

When she says, ‘I’m feeling all low’, I say, ‘cheer up dear’.
But when I say so too, it’s always, ‘why the hell are you irritating me?’

When she says, ‘I’m possessive’, it should mean she loves me a lot!
Ok, but why should it only mean ‘I’m insecure’, when I say that.

If it’s about me ‘even’ looking at a girl, she threatens to break my neck.
But if it’s her talking about a guy like I’d love her talk about me, she’ll shout at me and say, ‘I’m like this. Leave me, if you can’t stand it’.

If she calls and I don’t pick up, she’ll blame me for ignoring her.
And if I call and get a ‘no answer’, I must accept that she was too busy to have a little time for me.

Crazy as it may sound, but couldn’t this have happened before, and not now, and not like this, when I’m all lost and stuck?

Life's a bitch.

My girlfriend is the daughter of a chauvinist who thinks girls are only decorative.

Her mother thinks she is a doll and keeps her on the mantelshelf displaying her before every idiot that says I want my son to marry your daughter.

My dad scans every crappy matrimonial ads – newspaper & others - thinking he knows what’s best for me, even when I am 28 – chronologically, biological, mentally and otherwise.

My mom thinks I am the ‘only’ handsomest guy in the whole world and all girls out there are trying to trap me.

My brother simply tells me go for the girl you love - if you love her seriously enough - no matter what the rest of the world thinks or says.

Her brother is a kid who can’t think beyond his sister’s happiness.

I am a fool who thinks she is my only choice when I am with her and my dad is my only family when I am with him and the irony is - she has just the same opinion.

And ours is a now-its-out-of-steam-and-now-it-picks-up relation.

Is there some hope for sale??

This is what she is. Exactly speaking.

Put on some weight for God’s sake. Or else, how would I show you around and say, ‘See, meet my husband’ - ‘Show me around? What am I? A pet dog?’

‘Better marry me before it’s late. Or else, I would go ahead and have my twins with someone else.’ – ‘Twins?!! My God!! My dear you’ll die having them’.

‘Build up some muscles. I want you to carry me around.’ – ‘Oh shit! Now that’s a crisis situation!’

‘Why do you always write about sex? Are there no other ‘things’ you can ‘think’ about?’ – ‘What else in life is good enough to write about?’

‘Will you still love my when I am old and fat and ugly?’ – 'Well, yes. If I am so too.’

‘Why do you love me?’ – ‘Well… I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.’

FUCK!!!

Read this one somewhere:


"In the ancient England people could not have sex without the consent from the king. When people wanted to have a child they had to solicit permission to the monarchy. In turn they would be supplied with a plaque to hang on their door when they had sexual relations. It read, ‘Fornication Under Consent of the King’, - FUCK.

This is the origin of the word."

Mine. And only mine.

I really really really wanna make love to you all my life!!!

Falling in love...

He:
All my friends ask me, ‘why are you smiling?’. And I smile some more.

She:
And the smile just comes to me when I think of the most stupid things I do in his company. But then he is even more stupid than I am.

He:
She is such a … little child. She talks like one too. And to her, I am the guinea pig of her experiments with love.

She:
I don’t really know what he is to me… But I think I like him a little more than the rest of them.

He:
To me she is the most beautiful dream I would like to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life.

A being I wanted to call mine..

Something she said hurt me somewhere.
I could not make out what it was. But it hurt for sure.
And for a moment, I hated her so much.

Then I sensed the nervousness in her voice. And I felt sorry for her.

Do I love her? I really don't know. But then why was I hurt when she was hurt?

Selective Memories - Tagged!

I am 28. Going on 30 & 03 at the same time (I have a dual personality. I never behave my age. And I can do nothing about it)!! I think, therefore, its the perfect time for a stroll into the past - maybe anyone my age and 'irresponsible' state of mind should try this one out (more 'coz a sweet little girl has been pressurizing me on this). So here it is (selectively though)...

The first ever (initial) thought(s) in your life (from the time you were born) that you remember…
I think… I remember putting my finger in my mouth. Because I remember feeling my throat. And the tongue. And the teeth. And I remember the taste of my fingers.

And I remember putting my fingers in my brother’s mouth and he vomited. We were traveling in a bus to somewhere. He was a little baby. Almost new born… I guess so. My mother thought he was sick. Because she didn’t see me doing what I did. And obviously I didn’t tell her.

Fondest childhood memories… and saddest memories…
I have loved every single moment, I spent at my mother’s ancestral home in Ernakulam, during my childhood. In fact, I kept on looking forward to going back to that place every vacation during my school days in Trivandrum. On the contrary, I used to loath going to Vaikom, which is my father’s place.

Not quite sure if it is the saddest, but when my grandmother died (mother’s mother – she was the first to die among my grand parents), I cried for one whole night and went to sleep. I think I never had a sadder situation.

But the next day, however, I was back to my games with my cousins. I remember all of us later being called to perform these rituals, which I, at that point of time, found quite amusing.

Childhood memories you remember…
My childhood friends used to be my (maternal) cousins. I just loved running around the whole village with them in Ernakulam. We were always kept away from the river (backwaters) by the elders. But we kept finding our way back there. We used to do shallow fishing with our hands. And dig for shells. But since none of us wanted to get caught, we left it all there.

I used to go to the nursery (my first school) at Hail Mary School, with my uncle on his bicycle. I used to sit on the handle bar in the front waving out to everyone. And once on the way back from Mulanthuruthy, we tripped over a pipe and fell. The bicycle, uncle and me. All three of us. Right into the canal. The people from the neighboring fields came running and pulled us out. I didn’t drink much water ‘coz my uncle held my head above the water. The canal is still there. And so is the pump house, from which there used to be that big pipe. But both the walk way and the pipe are gone.

The times that you’ve been punished by parent/teachers/elders/others – and you felt was unfair and the memory of which you take it along with you….always …
My dad, well, he used to be after the both of us (my brother and me) all the time that we lost count of which was fair and which, unfair.

But there was this incident that happened in my sixth standard. There was this little fellow in my class who was appointed the ‘monitor’ for a period ‘coz this teacher had to some important business somewhere else, and by the end of the period I happened to have a big fist fight with that guy ‘coz I felt he was being unfairly harsh on me. And by the time the teacher came back. We were separated and brought forward to be ‘questioned’. Then she declared that he could slap me across my face ‘twice’ for what I had done. All my next three years there in Chandigarh I waited for an apt occasion so that I could pay him back his dues. But it never came.

I still haven’t had my ‘vengeance’. His name is Ashok. And I have lost all contacts with him. ‘Ashok, are you reading this? Dude, I’m waiting for you!!! (Just kidding, buddy. I am not angry with you anymore)’.

Ever felt like hitting your parents
Thankfully, no! Thankfully, ‘coz you are not supposed to hit them back when they hit you. And no, ‘coz I never felt that way. Simple.

Ever felt like hitting your teachers
Many times. Mostly during my time in Trivandrum. But then, not all of them. There were some kind and sweet souls too.

I had joined the same school, KV Pattom, for a second time. But this time it was different.

By the time I reached the Xth standard, the place resembled hell to me. And for the next two years, I had to live in that rotten place, because I had no other option. The place outside its walls was unknown to me. And there was no proper guide. Not just the teachers, if I had my way, I would have even killed some of my classmates. In fact, I had very little close friends.

I hated my college too. But at least I was not made to do things I hated. Here I changed my way of looking at things. And my life suddenly got better. I had my own set of friends and my own way of life. I enjoyed most of it.

Ever felt like hitting elders (as in relatives/family friends/someone known to you and is generally respected)
Not too much, I guess. Or maybe, not enough to remember them.

Worst quarrel/fight you had with your friends/brother/teachers that you remember
There have been quite a few occasions. One was with my little brother.

Then he was still a little baby. In his nursery. He used to follow me everywhere. Once we were playing on a swing in his school where I had gone to collect him with my mother. He was so excited to see me that he went on declaring I was his brother, pulling me hard. I got so irritated that I pushed him and he fell. And he started crying uncontrollably. I became so embarrassed that instead of comforting him, I ran, leaving my mother to take care of him.

Time and again, I keep getting guilty of that incident. And now, he is soo beyond sorry(s) that I can never bring up that again.

What do you think is your best achievement - looking back…?
I haven’t still achieved what I really aspire for. So no point talking about it.

Situations you were embarrassed beyond you could handle…
Once I read the news during the morning assembly and screwed it up. The kind hearted principal that we had, made me do the whole thing again, which went even worse. I became so notorious because of that incident that in KV Pattom, I am still the reference point for all bad presentations there.

I think by far that has been the most embarrassing moment. ‘Coz after that I have always been doubly careful of my all my ‘public’ and ‘private’ appearances. All my appearances, meetings, conferences & presentations have been great and well-received so far.

Who influenced you the most till now…
My dad. Do I even need a reason?

Mohanlal. He is the single most reason why I made up my mind to be in the show business. I seriously think there is no business like the show business. I remember, it was watching him perform in a what-now-seems-totally-outdated movie, ‘Manthrikam’, I made up my mind to be in the movies.

Ram Gopal Varma. His Satya made me realize the only thing worth being in the showbiz is director. I got myself a sense of direction with that one film.

Mani Ratnam. Though technically Madhu Kaithapuram is the one who initiated me into the world of cinema, I still consider Mani Ratnam to be my idol. My guru. Most of his stories are exactly the ones that I aspire to do someday. If and when I do one independently.

Smoked?
Yes.. Quite a few times. But frankly, I’ve hated it always. I don’t really think it suits me one bit.

Got drunk?
Yes, quite a few times. But again, I never enjoyed it. Actually, I don’t like missing out all the fun lying knocked out.

Stolen a car?
Well, why would I do that..? I’d rather rob a bank which I suppose (Please… I’m not serious about this) be bit more exciting (and rewarding!).

Shoplifted?
Nope. But do remember having torn off a couple of pages of some history book, which we couldn’t borrow, but still we needed them for our school project. And I made an absolute fool of myself at school when I told my friends that I had a terrible scene at home for having opened up before him about this.

Been arrested?
Yes. And … God! This IS embarrassing! Well, it was during my school days. But I swear I was totally innocent. I was in this overcrowded bus. And I was near the door but I WASN’T hanging on to the footboard. The bus was all off a sudden stopped by the police and I was pulled out by them since I was still standing there. Actually I wasn’t aware of what was happening. Everyone hanging on to the door at the footboard pushed themselves in past me.

We were released a couple of hours later without having any charges pressed on us. But the next day newspaper carried a news item that said Trivandrum City police arrested 150 eve teasers. Craaap! (How could that be? I mean since the private buses have all ladies seats in the front and we were caught from the rear end of the bus). And as expected, at home Dad never believed me, when I told my parents about it..

Skipped Classes (for no genuine reason)?
Strange, but true - only a few times, adding both my high school and college ones’.

Strange, ‘coz I hated every second I spent there. True, ‘coz whether it was due to being madly in love with one of my classmates, while at school, Or, for the ‘10’ attendance marks that added up to my sessionals, while at college, I always found a reason to attend all my classes.

Snuck out of my parents’ home?
Well, it has been part of my growing up. There used to be constant confrontations with my dad at home, most of which ended with him trying to kick me out of his home. And that was when I used to accept defeat. Thank God, I had my mom to support me then. Always.

Looking back, it seems kind of strange ‘coz then if I had a choice I wouldn’t have stayed there at all. In fact, I ran at the first opportunity I got. Those were my engineering days at Kollam. But now of all places in the world, I’d rather be at home. With my dad. Maybe it happens to everyone after a certain age.

Your brush with death - if any??
I have always tried imagining how this will be. Feeling death around.

Once my friend Shijo and I were driving home after a late night movie when this auto rickshaw that over took us, hitting us in the process. We (Shijo and me - I was driving), lost our balance and fell. Right behind us was this pick-up truck. We almost expected us to be run over the moment we touched the ground.

But then a miracle happened. We never touched ground. Few inches from the ground, I regained my balance and steadied our bike. I felt as if there was some external force acting on it. THAT was close. The truck passed about two inches from our heads (we weren’t even wearing a helmet).

It took maybe a fraction of second. All of it. But then so it was. We were happy to be so very ALIVE!

I am sure I (actually we were) was saved by that guardian angel. I know its there helping me always in all my difficult situations. But this was the best of the lot.

Have you ever thought about committing suicide??
Yes. Once. I climbed up on this raised parapet above our terrace of our quarters in Chandigarh. It was the only highest point on that two-storied building. But I got scared when I looked down.

It so happened that I was scared at the thought of telling my dad that there was this complaint against me in my school for which he was to go and meet my class teacher. (I was a good student then, so this one must have been for some other stupid reason, which I don’t remember now). Anyways, after having ruled out the idea of committing suicide I had no other go but to tell my dad. At that point of time, it seemed to me less scary.

I was this very innocent 4th standard boy who had very limited options then, I guess. May be, I could have run away from home. Or, better still, kill that class teacher. But none of these thoughts came to my mind then.

And that was the only occasion ever, I thought about dying. And over the years, I have learned to hate death and love life.

Have you ever got an intuition that a certain thing will happen to you and has it??
I have had intuitions. But am still waiting for it to happen.

Have you ever had an intuition of how your future is going to be??
Like I said. I am waiting. Whatever happens, when it happens, my future will depend on how it happens.

Your first crush??
I think it was either a teacher who taught me English in my 2nd standard (I remember following her everywhere and being over enthusiastic about all my English classes), or a girl whose name was Mary (I remember scribbling ‘I love you Mary’, on the compound walls of our school where we used to wait for our ‘Airforce bus’). Ironically, I don’t remember the faces of either. And I don’t remember which happened first.

And first love?
It was the tall, beautiful Punjabi girl who used to be my classmate in Chandigarh. I fell in love while playing basketball with her (love in basketball court… he he… and she looked WOW!.. running around in her short navy blue skirts…!) during the end term of 8th standard just before my school closed for the summer holidays. But before I could take it any further, we came to Trivandrum (My dad got posted there) where I lost myself in the eyes of a mysterious lady with her short hair, a hand in cast, always missing the morning assembly, always writing notes, looking down through her glasses. She, with her ‘husband’ - with whom she felt complete, has formed herself a ‘family-life’at some part of the world I am unaware of - while I am yet to recover from it completely. And why this one is worth mentioning is 'coz neither of my later relations left me shocked as this one did.

It was also during that period that I made the mistake of calling one of the most gorgeous ladies, my sister. I bet, till this day she thinks I’m an idiot. But in her case, I actually wanted her to be my sister. A very beautiful sister.

Been eve teased?
Ha ha.

Adam teased?
Ha ha ha ha.

What do you look for in your future partner?
Peace. Comfort. Company. Understanding. Compassion. Above all, love. Does anyone need anything more?

Ever had any forbidden feeling – crush/love/others towards (parents/siblings/teachers/others)?
Parents/sibilings/relatives – NO! Teachers – yes, towards a few of them. Others – well, yes. In fact, all the time. So no need to describe.

Ever had a strong feeling (as in love/crush) to a person you haven’t seen??
I don’t know. Actually, I don’t remember.

Ever had crush/love for a celebrity?
Love – No. Crush - Yes.

The first one was Divya Bharati. I was smitten by her, when I saw her pictures on the covers of the film magazines. But then a little later came the news that she fell from her balcony and died.

Then there have been quite a lot. Annie (the Malayalam actress – when I saw her in the movie, ‘Ammayana Satyam’). This continued till she got married to Shaji Kailas, the film director. After which, came the movie ‘Aniyathipravu’ – the original of Priyadarshan’s ‘Dholi Saja Ke Rakna’. I had this huge crush on Shalini, which lasted quite a few years (longest period), until Ajith thanked Shalini for ‘loving him’ during a filmfare award night– which I was watching on TV. The cameras went on and filmed her smiling bright and wiiide. Craaash!! My heart fell down and broke.

Anyways, by that time Arundhathi Roy had already won the booker prize for her book ‘God of Small Things’. And for the next four years, the newspapers and magazines carried articles, both that she wrote and those that were written on her. And I found out she was one.. gorgeously intelligent lady. And I am known for my weakness for intelligent females.

In between, I had this brief crush on Isha Koppikar when I saw her debut movie (that came out first), a Tamil movie called ‘Kathal Kavithai’ and another one on Simran when I saw her ‘Vali’. Both of which died down pretty fast, as soon as I overcame the hangover of those movies. There were others too. Short term ones. Mostly cine actresses. Kate Winslet, Rachel Weiz, Meera Jasmine, Jyothika were some of them.

Had feelings for someone who dint have them back? / been aware of someone’s feeling for you when you dint have them back?
Yes. And either way, believe me, it hurts. One due to the insult. And other for the guilt.

Has a girl/lady made a sexual advance at you??
Never had such luck. Ha ha..

Has a boy/man made a sexual advance at you??
Nope. DON’T want that to happen to me either.

Have you made a sexual advance at a girl/lady??
Sex to me was always an extension of love. So I wouldn’t do that to someone I’m not in love with. And with a person you are in love with, it can’t be ‘sexual advance’ because you don’t have to. You simply have to submit yourself in love.

Have you been attracted (strong physical attraction) to some guy – school/public places/wherever…?
Nope. I’m NOT homosexual. I find that revolting.

Have you been attracted (strong physical attraction) to some girl – school/public places/wherever…?
Too many times. But they were all harmless ones. I never pursued them. May be that explains why I am still ‘alive’.

People you can’t live without?
My father. My brother. My close friends.

Has your lying saved someone from a big trouble?
Couple of times. But not too significant enough to mention them.

Was he/she grateful to you for that? / Did he/she return that favour and saved you out of trouble??
Grateful. Yup. Returning favour. Yes and no. But then again not too significant enough to mention.

Have you tried pay-it-forward?
Yes.

Have you visited/seen a police station/lock up/jail (in real)??
Yup. When an unfortunate misunderstanding happened between the Kerala police and me. They thought I was one of those eve teasers. Idiots.

Have you ever met a real life gangster?
Yup. Once. Thammanam Shaji. Though ‘technically’ I haven’t still met him. Once I saw him coming out of a mosque, at Thammanam, Cochin. I was visiting one of my friends at a nearby place. My friend pointed out him to me. He looked quite an ordinary person to me unlike the kind media described him. So ordinary that if he wore a red shirt, yellow pants, black shoes and a brown goggle and stood before you, you will still not notice him.

He looked at me once. I smiled the instance I saw him. He smiled back. Maybe he knew the fact that he was celebrity in his own right. Maybe he was used to all the attention he got. And maybe he enjoyed it all.

Any politician/leader/statesman you wish lived longer?
Gandhiji. I really wanted to see him. Having heard about him so much. I think he was an incarnation of God. He came. He did his job. He went away. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Any politician/leader/statesman you wish were dead long ago?
I hate modern politics. I wish there was dictatorship in my country. Maybe things would have been different for the country if situations were like in time of emergency. May be a little less violent. I think fear could do wonders to the growth and development of a country.

The gadgets you’d love to own?
Just gadget – No.

It would rather be a combination of many other things. A farmhouse in the suburbs Cochin. If possible on the banks of the backwaters. I don’t think that would actually be possible by today’s standards given the ever-increasing price of real estate in Cochin. The house would be built in stone. There would be long verandahs (corridors) with floor tiles made of clay. Lot of plants. A room in the basement exclusively for my home theatre and DVD collection and another one on the roof with broad window for my books, a well stocked library.

Things you can’t live without?
Glasses. Phone. DVDs. Books. Money.

Countries/states/cities/places you’d love to visit?
If I had my way I would visit every single corner of this world. One of the reasons why I aspire to make films is because I want to travel everywhere and it shouldn’t sound like a tourist trip.

Flown a kite?
Tried a lot during my summers in Chandigarh. I never learnt it. Every day I’d buy a kite and have it torn each time trying.

Gone puddle jumping?
Nope. But I enjoy puddle biking. Still do it every time it rains in Cochin.

Fallen asleep at work or at school/college?
Never during my student days. But millions of times at work. In fact, I still do.

Used a fake ID?
Yea. Used to, while I was new to the internet. But not anymore. These days, I really don’t browse for new friends. Maintaining the old ones alone eat up all my time.

Felt an earthquake/Been through Tsunami?
Earthquake: thrice. Twice in Chandigarh. Once in Kottayam. Tsunami. Thankfully no. But I remember getting restless and desperately trying to contact two of my college friends from Andamans. And it was about a very uneasy month later, I got a word from them. They were in Bangalore and Chennai ‘respect’ively. Absolutely safe. So that in a way was experiencing the Tsunami.

Seen a shooting star?
Inspired by the ‘Toottha Tharas’ of KJ movies, I used to search for them all the time. But I never found any. And once when I saw them. It was quite a big celestial event. The sky was full of them. This happened way back in 1999 or 2000. Anyways, lying on the terrace of our college hostel I kept on wishing like they all do. And when I ran out of wishes, I kept repeating them. And off course, none of them have come true so far.

Been robbed?
(As in robbed??!) Thankfully, no!!! And I don’t want to either!

Been misunderstood?
Well, yes. Too many times to count. Or, even remember.

Won a contest?
Thankfully, I usually never win when I compete with others. Most of them are better than me in everything I think I can do ‘good’. The only moment that I cherish is when I won a third in a 10000 meters race, while at college. And then, I was only competing with myself. I only wanted to finish that much distance running!

Been in an accident?
Thankfully, just twice or thrice in the last twelve years (ever since I started driving). No one hurt each time. But every time I had to quarrel with them to avoid paying compensation. And on each occasion, none of us were thankful to have come out of it unhurt.

Paid for meals in coins?
Yup. Initially when me and Joby got together to start an agency. We were living on saved pennies. Thank fully, the tide turned in our favour the moment Subhash chettan joined with us.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
Yup. Whenever something went wrong in any of my relations, I would tell myself I wouldn’t be the first to apologize, but then almost with an amazing consistency it was always me… except on a very few occasions. And I have always hated doing that.

Cried?
Millions of times! Why, give me a sweet little ‘senti’ movie, I’ll cry.

Written letter to God?
Yup. Once. But I knew what I was doing. I only tried for the kick of it. That letter probably ended in the dead letter office.

Tried drawing?
Last time I tried drawing was when I was in class 8th. I haven’t touched colours ever since. But I always think any feeling can be best expressed drawing. Writing has its limitations.

Have you gone rock climbing?
Yea, quite a few times. When we were shooting for couple of resorts in Munnar, Kodai Kanal, Wayandu to name a few. For us the challenge was to carry all the equipments to the top without dropping them.

Have you swum? Ever?
Haven’t learnt it yet. Though tried a thousand times. Most of the times, I ended up drinking a lot of water.

Have you gone camping in the forest?
Once as part of the nature club, while at school. It was an interior area, outskirts of Trivandrum, I guess, someplace on the way to Thenmala. More recently, for a night in the forests of Wayanadu, while shooting for Kerala State Eco-tourism.

The longest distance you have traveled alone??
I have traveled the entire length. And breadth of Kerala. Alone on my bike. By far it’s the longest.

Have you ever been afraid of the dark??
When I was very small, I used to run towards the nearest light if I ever I had to go out into the dark. I even used to sleep with the lights on whenever I had to sleep alone. But thank god. Both my brother and me slept with our parents as kids so we seldom got the chance to be afraid.

Have you visited a graveyard?
Haven’t really ‘visited’, but have seen quite a lot of them on several occasions from outside. But I don’t think that the idea is any strange at all.

Have you watched a pyre burning?
Yes, many times. More significantly, thrice. When both my maternal grand parents and my mother died. On each occasion, I watched the entire pyre burn down.

Have you seen a ghost?
Thankfully no. And I don’t want to either. I think they are all creepy. But once, couple of years back, I happened to have a tiff with some of the local assholes in the area I lived, in Cochin. And when I returned to my hostel, my friends told me I almost looked like one.

Ever tried learning a language from someone else?
Yup. Chinese from a girl I met on the Internet. But I don’t remember even a single word she tried to teach.

Ever tried teaching a language to someone else?
Yup. On couple of occasions. To quite a few of my friends. More recently, I taught English and Malayalam to a Nepalese friend of mine.

Have you ever tried sharing your food with a stranger?
I would love to. If it has to be with a beautiful female. I sure will. Even if it means I have to starve in the process.

Have you ever written love letters for others (as in to help someone with writing)?
Yup. Mostly, while I was in college. But it was more fun when I did it for the first time to help one of my friends, while in Chandigarh. I was in my 6th standard then. The girl took one look at it and came straight to me and said, ‘Tune hi usko yeh sab likhna sikhaya hai na?’. I was quite taken aback. I didn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or complaint. Since she a very dear friend of mine she didn’t create any further problem for me, though she told me I had hurt her. I remember feeling very bad and miserable after that. For myself.

Ironically, similar incidents happened to me couple of times more, in college. In both cases, both the girl and the boy have been my very close friends.

Have you thought about attaching yourself with a cause? (Was it just for the sake of it/because you really meant to/or you were following others who were doing it)?
1. Against being careless about the side stand on a bike while driving. There are times when we forget to fold it before starting it.
2. Informing the car drivers - if their doors aren’t shut properly.
3. To make a blink sign with my hand when a vehicle coming in the opposite direction has put on its headlight in the broad daylight.

In each of these cases, I think it’s the most appropriate thing to do. Because it’s not something that the person driving would really know if by chance they haven’t had it right in the first place. It might prove to be fatal without you even realizing it.

Your ultimate dream?

To make a movie that would stay on in everyone’s memory as a great film. That way, maybe, they might even remember its ‘director’.

nobody?!

'Why is nobody looking at me?'
'Coz' nobody loves you'
'... ?!'
'And she ... is the nobody!'

The story that was...

For once I sat down listening to the song. An old hit from a Bharathan classic, ‘Palangal’ (Railway lines).

Etho janma kalpanayil
Etho janma veechikalil
Ninum nee vannu
Oru nimisham
Ee oru nimisham
Veedum nammal onnai

And suddenly, I thought about her. It occurred to me the radio was playing to me our song. Our relation always needed an explanation. To justify it maybe. This song said it all. 'We had become one, for a moment, as we met across many births'. And we had lived that instance like a lifetime.

As the strains of music ‘grew’ I became restless, I called her up right then and played her the song over the phone. She whispered back to me instead, reminding me she was in a sales meeting. ‘Oh… I’m sorry. Sure baby, you carry on’. She had told me last night about this sales review thing and I forgot. ‘Shit’. I keep calling her my baby but all the time it was me who behaved like one.

Sometimes I did get it. Mothering me most of the time took a toll on her. But I couldn’t help it. I was the kid that never grew up. I still am. And maybe I always will. Behind the hardworking and serious self that I project, I have always been an irresponsibly emotional and a hopeless romantic who always craved for attention. She had to be there for me always. Even if it meant she had to screw up her life for it.

However she tried, I never made it up to her. Ours remained a stormy relation as long as it went on. Sex was good. But then there was more to a relation than sex. She might have wanted it too. She left at the point it her drained of all her energies.

It’s raining outside. And I miss her presence besides me. The once soothing tune has begun to get on my nerves. But then the end is always meant to be painful, isn’t it?

An absolute fact...

Read this somewhere and its just so irresistible not to put it here....

“I’ve noticed that there is a difference between having sex with some random chick or making love to the woman you love. But blowjobs are an entirely different story…”

Well, how true...

The roits

She was raped. Her throat was slit open. The sole excuse was 'leave us alone with our job, the roits have changed us.'