Syntax of cooking.

The Great Indian Recipe.

One could survive anywhere on this planet using this recipe - to make any average Indian curry. Well, here’s the basic rule:

1. Heating oil in an optimally large frying pan. (Ideally sunflower oil. But those who can’t can use coconut oil. Or, use any other oil, as long as it is not one of those petroleum products.

2. Adding – a) mustard – on the complete bursting of which add - b) curry leaves, green chilli, garlic, ginger – either one after another or simultaneously. Anyways they all end up in the same place. Don’t they?!

3. Next put into the hot oily mix, some finely sliced onion – Finely sliced, so that they drink less oil. Large ones. Preferably, red ones. Because they taste better. Or, even may be the paler pink ones. Because they are easier on your eyes. Number could depend on the number of people finally having the meal. The more, the thicker the gravy. Well, am I using too many the’s??

4. O.k. now wait for all of the above in the pan to be Go(r)ldon Brown. Opps, no, let it be chocolate brown. Because being an amateur you never know if it is cooked or not. Clue: Keep stirring till your arms ache.

5. Now to speed up the browning process and to spice up the taste a little, add salt ‘to taste’. Whatever that means.

6. Next, add two teaspoons of the masala(s) – the ground spices – for the Indian touch. For its these spices that makes all the difference. For starters, add coriander powder. And a dash, of turmeric, if you feel like it. A really tiny dash. Or else, it would end up tasting like something unimaginable. For the lazier lots, there are a number of easier way(s) out available in the superstores and off licence stores. Under a lot of Indian sounding labels. And almost all suffixed by ‘powder’ or ‘masala’. Sambar powder/masala, rasam powder/masala, curry powder/masala (ideal for the veggies). Chicken curry powder/masala, muttan curry powder/masala, egg curry powder/masala, and more. With these powders around one need not worry about the permutations and combinations of coriander and turmeric and cardamom powders to make up for the taste.

7. Exhausted already?! Well, hang on. We are almost there.

8. Throw in some tomatoes. Tinned, or the well, (un)tinned. Makes no difference as long as you are no cooking expert. Make sure you cut the tomatoes into smaller pieces, if you are using fresh whole tomatoes. Fresh, as in from the refrigerator shelves.

9. Mix the tomatoes properly with the onion paste (it should be looking like something similar by now). The number could depend on your tongue capacity. If it can handle a lot of salt. Well, good for you. Or, in ideal cases, two or three would look good in the pan. Visual effect, that is.

10. Put a little tamarind to soak in a cup of still water if you have made up your mind on fish curry or sambar. Pour the tamarind and the water and all, into the pan. No time to regret. Or else if not, avoid this stage.

11. A teaspoon or two of coconut paste or ginger garlic paste or both, won’t be a bad idea at this stage.

12. Add water. One or two cups. Mix and match the mixture. (I think pun sounds fun). If you are ok with the thickness, or, if it is visually appealing. Or both. You are on the right track. If your intention is to make a roast. Meat or no meat. Be it of any kind. DO NOT pour water. In this case, you may keep stirring till ever bit is evenly cooked or evenly coated with the masala paste or both. Whichever tests your patience less.

13. You may now increase the intensity of the flame or heat or both and let the mix get on with its journey the boiling point. And wait for a while till they show signs of bubbles here and there.

14. Meanwhile, you may get hold of the cut and cleaned meat – chicken/mutton/beef/pork/fish – or cooked vegetables in case of sambar – add them slowly into the boiling broth, so to say. And in ideal cases, even the mutton or pork, both of which need some extra cooking, could be added after a stage of cooking. The watery remains in the container could be added with a little salt and pepper and poured into a cup and be served to one of your guests in order to boast your culinary skills. But before serving don’t forget to mention its ‘soup’. If they are normal people, they could have difficulty identifying what they are about to be emotionally blackmailed into having. If they are abnormal, they'll have it anyway.

15. Let it continue bubbling beyond the boiling point till the meat or vegetable is as soft as 'butter'. But don’t forget to keep stirring the whole thing. Or else, you will have a hell of a time scratching off the burnt remains from the container while washing.

16. Serve and have it yourself with cooked rice or heated ready-to-eat ‘frozen’ chappathi or again ‘frozen’ parathas. Well, if you need to survive, you need to survive this. Simple as that.

P.S.: For better taste results make someone else eat it. If they are still sitting steady. You are sure to be ok. Or else, empty the frying pan into the toilet sink. Order a pizza. Go for shopping whenever you feel like experimenting next. And start all over again from the beginning.