Having grown in a broken home (as in always getting
caught in the cross fire of two ever fighting parents) I always wondered (to
the point of having no expectations whatsoever from a married partner) may
be this is how it should be - we aren’t meant to be happy
and peaceful. Just the way they keep repeating in several holy books - we are
all sinners. We do not have the right to smile!
Being used to the heavily dominating ‘defense personal’ dad, it took years for both my brother and me to adjust and get
‘normalized’ in the society. And more importantly, take our own decisions - in
matters that concern our life or career, especially life. It took me long
years’ wisdom – that probably came with age or having faced death first-hand or
both – to start loving life.
In 2008, just before I was about to go abroad for
my higher studies, I met the most wonderful girl - for the second time. I had
met her before (having been colleagues, briefly - but that was couple of years
back). This time, I saw her in a completely different light and was
surprised as where she was hiding all these years.
Back then, with every condition stacked against us,
all we could do was to promise each other to wait till things get normal. And
as we waited, she continued with her career here while I struggled with my
student life there. Only thread that held us together was the will to stay
committed to each other – as if we had something to prove to the world.
Ours was a long distance relationship for most of
the period. We would be on phone 24 x 7 (Thank God for ‘Topup Calls’), giving
each other every little detail of our respective daily lives. Thinking up of
all kinds of ‘stupid-to-the-world-but-special-to-us’ little surprises to keep
our relation alive. We also wrote, more importantly. (I don’t understand when
people say ‘I can’t write’ when I say ‘write if you can’t talk’ - I mean we are
only talking about vomiting your heart out, not to write a literary piece).
Writing long letters/mails helped us to understand each other better than
talking. And then we fought!
Every little squabble, every little argument, every
little quarrel - brought us even closer – every time we stopped fighting and
made up. We didn’t have eyes and ears for anything else. The relation to us was
our very life.
I wouldn’t say we were alike. I was nothing like
what she was. She always talked sense. I never even thought that way. She is
smarter at managing finance. I am hopeless when it comes to saving money. She
is much more grounded. I get excited easily. That’s an irony - considering the
backgrounds we came from. Her household had a laid-back attitude towards
everything in life. They mostly lived in the present. While we were
brought up like it was a boarding school, and not a home – to us, my
brother and me, school time was an escape. In her own thousand little ways, she
complemented me the way I never expected would happen to me in my entire life!
Yet we were alike still. She gave importance to
those very little things that I had importance for – and probably that’s why we
lasted so long. Even without any formal ties.
(Let me add a little wisdom here. Most people don’t realize what they are talking about when they say we are quite alike in our
tastes and interests – e.g. I have heard people quite immaturely quoting – we
both have similar hobbies. Or, we like the same kind of movies. Or, this one’s
epic – our favorite colors are the same! I don’t know if they really matter
much - in a relationship. You can very well have different interests and still
have a healthy relationship – this way you also get to give something new to
your partner that they can’t have for themselves!)
Now friends often ask me about my story - as in how
we managed to pull it off. That’s no secret as such but still most people do
manage to overlook these thing. It’s just that when together, your (combined)
outlook or attitude towards life needs to be alike.
This is one thing I always tell anyone who
care to listen – to have a ‘fight’.
To understand where the equation of your
relationship lies, have an argument, lead that to a full-blown fight, sulk
for a while, then try making up – what you get as a result is what is left of
the relation!
Ideally, there are three kinds of people – in all
kinds of relationships – not just husband-wife, but this holds good in all
kinds of equations (between lovers/friends/siblings/parents-kids).
First there are people who are never affected by
whatever happens to the relation. Today they smile and laugh with you.
Tomorrow, they don’t think twice before leaving you and moving on to smile and
laugh with someone else, if a quarrel is to occur between the two of you. You
will be hurt. But neither do they realise nor are they concerned if you are
hurt. To them, life should always be good and chirpy. They just don’t want to
fix things. I would say they are good till the first real ‘fight’ you have.
After that they are gone for good.
Then there is the second kind. These are equally
hurt - just like you are – after a fight - which is good. But to them their ego
is much more important than the relationship. Therefore, despite the fact it
hurts them equally badly, they sulk into eternity but cut off all ties with you
mostly leaving no room for communication - they are ready to sulk till they
die. They will readily live with all kinds of toxins the body produces, but
aren’t ready to let go and live. The other person has to first find a way to
break in. And then, bend their knee and beg. Until then, they really don’t
budge. Such people and such relationships are toxic. I would mildly put it –
run. For your lives. And for everything else in between.
(You might think,
what’s wrong if the one person bends down a little for the other – nothing
wrong if both the people involved take turns at it. It might not seem bad in
the beginning, but slowly the one getting pressed will start keeping accounts
of all such moments, and a moment will soon arrive, when all the pent-up emotions
will burst out and all the accounts would be laid bare. That won't be good
for either of them – getting it or should I talk more?!)
Then there is the third kind. They put their
relationship above everything else. They are hurt. But they hate the toxins so
much that they don’t let them develop. They jump at the first opportunity for a
compromise. But they take care to have a sensible heart-to-heart conversation,
and let the argument have a proper closure - as soon as the tempers stop
flaring. They, my friends, are for keeps. Give all you have to keep such
people in your lives. You are sure to have a life that’s fulfilling!
Now this is where ‘respect’ comes in. I keep
hearing people harping on love and passion and other stuff that attracted them
towards each other. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But how long do you
think would these last, without respect? I seriously feel respect is the
booster that make us, try countless ways to continue falling in love
with our own partner. Or, keep ourselves on toes to continually remain
attractive for them – to keep the passion alive.
When you have respect, you take care not to hurt
each other. And if one gets hurt, its respect that makes you
‘empathize’. Because that’s when you realize the need to kiss and make up -
every time you have an issue!
When my wife and I decided to get married in 2012,
we had two choices before us - we could either waste our lives waiting
endlessly for someone’s indecisiveness or we could build a happy life for
ourselves and prove ourselves right.
This could be one of the reasons why we never try
to prolong any arguments (We can’t go back crying, having failed, can we?) All
along, during all our little fights, however severe the issue would be, we make
it a point - never to take the toxins to bed.
To me, my marriage is definitely a blessing. And
after all these years, I have (finally) made up my mind to have a laid back approach
to view things. I have become calmer. I have learned to let go. What’s more, we
are busy enjoying the new-found parenthood – yet another reason to
thank each other countless more times!
Once, while we waited, I asked her why she was
taking all these troubles, waiting for me, fighting the world. She said, ‘I am
not waiting for you, but living because of you’. No one else had said or done
anything like that before – let alone finding me ok enough to love me. Sounds
flattering, though I still wonder what she saw in me when she chose to stay
with me. May be it’s her kindness.
And when you change, you are usually the last one
to know that. Friends who’ve known me from ages, even my brother, sometimes,
tell me I have changed, a lot. I don’t feel any change about myself though.
Well, if others do find me changed, then maybe I have. But I feel good about
myself. That way, the change should be for the good.
